I've been patiently waiting for this dark glooming cloud to start raining on me. It's always over my head, just hoovering there. Last night, I experienced the rain. I had my first panic attack. That has never happened to me before. I didn't recognize the symptoms right away, so I couldn't sit as quickly as I needed to, which likely resulted in a not so graceful maneuver to the ground. I don't know what happened while I was on the ground or even how long I was on the ground; less than a minute is my assumption. As soon as I roused, I was foggy but came around rather quickly and was coherently accurate within minutes. My reason for writing about this is apparent to me. It's not to warrant any sympathy. It's highlighting a completely different flaw that I've encountered within myself. Try to guess, but I doubt you'll be correct.
I am telling you this to show you how hard it was for me to talk about this new flaw to my husband. "Brandt, I had a panic attack. I was scared; this doesn't happen to me; it's not supposed to happen to me." I regurgitated the verbiage in my head repeatedly to form sentences that didn't make me sound insane or fake. Why was I worried about being perceived as such? I'm not that self-conscious; I'm rather transparent. I've come to the conclusion that admitting this flaw shows my strength isn't what it appears to be. I was momentarily paralyzed from the inside out, stuck in a fight or flight mode of irrational thought, a pounding heart, and empty lungs. Nothing worked correctly. Telling my best friend, companion, and husband makes it a reality for me. I can hide behind the feelings and work through the motions in my mind, but saying it out loud to my better half is harder than I could have ever imagined.
I hold myself up to unspeakable standards without even knowing it. I can't help but think of all the things left unsaid to Brandt because I was too scared to say them. Is that just me? Are there others that don't drag their internal flaws to the surface within their marriage? I'm confident I'm not the only one; I'm not nearly that cool.
I shared my experience with him, and I felt better. A simple sentence for a simple feeling. Mental health is undeniably debilitating. Our heads are constantly swarming with scattered thoughts and obscured perspectives that often get the best of us. Why are we so damn hard on ourselves? I've learned through this experience that it's ok to step back and take a break. That's what this panic attack was trying to tell me. My body was attempting to shut down because it couldn't do it anymore. Get to the ground and get fresh air. That was all I could process. Amazing, isn't it? If we don't listen to our body, it will come back in full swing to literally knock you on your rear! Who would have thought? We were so beautifully designed that the warnings are in plain sight if we listen.
After sharing this with Brandt, he listened to me. We've been amateurs this entire year, conquering battles we've never prepared for. This is a new battle for me, for us. I'd be pretty lonely if I hadn't shared this with him. My mental health right now is a beast; I am up against a beast. If this blog speaks to you, please don't stay hidden behind your fear of someone else's reaction. I've done that for too long. You deserve to be the best person that you can be. That is impossible if you're not willing to relinquish your internal demons. Do not let your fear consume your life. Share your most delicate moments and breath through the fear that tries to stop you. Believe in yourself and your purpose on this earth. Trust your body; give it what it needs. Consume love, hope, and faith. Breathe comfort, truth, and kindness. You will never regret that.
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