Archery, it has been 258 days without hearing your laugh, seeing your smile, making you peanut butter toast, and my favorite, hearing you call your brother by name but not able to say that double T, Otto always came out as Otgo, I miss it all. I miss you. My heart aches, and my eyes weep for you every day. Sometimes the tears that come may be minimal, but they are so powerful. The minimal tears hurt the worst. Other times, I can shut it off, and stop thinking.
I’ve been trying to fill my life, our family, with demands, subconsciously I know it’s because the busier we are, the easier it is. Easier is a terrible word to use, but the word gets tossed around effortlessly.
Today is your 6th birthday Archeroo. I’ve been racking my brain with what to do, of course, I want the kids to enjoy it and do things that you would have wanted to do. Personally, I cannot wait for 1230pm after I drop Otto off so I can find an area of solitude outside. Breathe in nature, hear the wind and animals, place me at the mercy of my environment and just listen. If I weren’t so fearful of spiders, I’d close my eyes, and maybe fall asleep. I just want to sit, sink into the ground, disappear from reality for a bit, and hopefully feel a little closer to you. Anything to be closer to you, Archer. Any other day I’d be focused on the homework to get done, foster care application requirements, board meeting demands, as many things to elude the everlasting presence of dread and grief that I feel.
After school, I promised the kids we will spend time at a park, wander over to Uncle Eddies, eat your favorite supper (Bacon), and watch one of your favorite shows (Chicago Fire). You loved fire trucks. We may have to watch Rampage, too, I haven’t watched it since I watched it many times in the hospital with you. You’ve always had an interest in those action movies, probably from all those late nights staying up with dad stealing bites of his spicy sandwiches. I really want to spend the day as if you are still here, hold back the tears, and keep your happiness of you in the forefront, but it’s too soon baby. It’ll always be too soon.
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