Do you ever feel like life is unfair? Like you don't deserve the cards you've been dealt? I am willing to bet everyone can nod their heads in agreement. We walk through life with this feeling of certainty. Our babies grew in our womb; they've made it to adulthood. We've made it this far. Certainly, the days ahead will bring joy because you've made it this far. My job is secure because I've attained the necessary education. Certainly, I shouldn't worry about being unemployed. Why is it that we feel so entitled to our future? Society. Society has groomed us to be entitled. I can think of so many times when I've felt entitled. In my family, my relationship with my husband, friends, jobs, and so on. I deserve that because I worked so hard for it! Not necessarily. Our futures are not entitled to us. We must learn to accept, forgive, and adapt to move on when our life gets hijacked by doomsday.
My life was completely hijacked. I had control of my future. Unfortunately, control is a word that drives me. That is my personality. I appreciate the ability to control events to predict the outcomes. Every day before my life was hijacked, I said a thankful prayer. Lord, thank you for my family's health, thank you for letting us all sleep under the same roof with no fear of loss, thank you for providing us with wealth to feed our children and the ability to recognize when others are in need. I stopped praying that in January but started up again in February. I have no option but to continue my prayers of thankfulness. Guarding myself against uncertainties comes in the form of being thankful for what today brings. Trying to get over the feeling of my life being hijacked by Archer's death is debilitating. How can I move on without being sad every day? I can't. The grief is real, it is whole, and it is hidden. Hidden behind a smile, a cooked meal, a completed assignment, and many more scenarios. We will never move on because we will never be whole again.
Accepting the fact that I have no control over my future is terrifying. We are expected to sit back and watch our future unravel within seconds when something unforeseen happens. Despite how much thought we dedicated to the future. We have no control. Unfair doesn't even qualify as an explanation for this. There is so much cruelty in the world, and we have no control over it. Family members are torn about by greed creating emotional turmoil. I have seen it, yet we have no control over it.
Does that mean we are expected to march ahead and let the nastiness continue because we cannot control it? Do we still have zero impact on vindictiveness? There are so many expectations that aren't attainable, yet we are asked every day to get there. That is overwhelming to contemplate.
Rectifying lost relationships is a concept that I've struggled with. It is almost selfish to admit, but I believe forgiveness feels better for me than it does for the individuals who have wronged me. Grudges weigh heavier than anyone can truly handle. Forgiveness is like delicate wings of heavy emotions that float away whenever your resentment is erased. This is another concept that we cannot control, and that is so frustrating! It's as if we have to put the extra work into relationships that will never benefit us, but really it isn't about us is. It's never been about us. We are not the center of the story. We are the people designed to make an impact on one another. Our actions and our words are meant to help and love one another.
The big question is, am I expected to forgive the people that I feel wronged my son? The people who didn't anticipate providing everything in their power to prevent the unthinkable from happening. Again, control seeps in. If I could have controlled that situation, there is no guarantee that Archer would be here today. It's not about us Katie. So here I am, trying to forgive when my heart bleeds, trying to move past the hijacking of my life that I didn't foresee. Trying to let go of grudges and take the weight off my shoulders, trying to preach to others the importance of loving one another even if we don't feel compelled. One must first release the feeling of entitlement to acknowledge the impact of love hidden in our hearts. Let it go, people. Your meaningful life means more to our Lord than the feelings of betrayal you surround your heart with. Don't let that cloud your judgment when opportunities are right in front of you. Use your ears to listen, your mouth to speak, and your heart to lead you. Stop telling yourself that your life was hijacked when it was never yours to begin with. The bible is written to guide you. Our Lord's words were flawlessly designed to bring healing and hope when you are helpless. Soak it in.
Comments