Challenges come in many forms, regardless of your moral codes or values. We will inevitably be presented with daunting challenges throughout our lives. I'd like to know the meaning behind these challenges, but I know that will only come when I'm no longer on earth. Eventually, everything will fall into place, and the puzzle pieces will connect seamlessly to create our life story. The wait is excruciating.
I am going to practice prayer with a purpose tonight. Silencing my concerns and opening my mind to guidance. Today has brought on many complicated scenarios that I never knew were possible. We found documentation leading to Archer's passing in Avery's records, but the document was quickly removed. A physician put herself out there to secure Avery's safety by releasing sensitive information related to Archer. We are so incredibly thankful for her attempt to ensure that Avery is diligently and carefully cared for. Her safety is our main priority.
Following that shocking news, I had to set foot in Archer's hospital room. We were told we had to change rooms due to Avery's blood tests and testing for airborne illnesses. This room is the last room I have seen my son smile in. The final room he spoke to me in and the last room we verbally bonded together in. This room holds meaning beyond understanding. It is a sacred place. I stepped in and lost it. My breath was torn from my lungs, and my heart was actively skipping beats as my body tried to process this. It was awful. They gave us a different room as soon as we asked, but I wish we wouldn't have had to ask. We were told the room number prior, but I didn't realize that I never cared to learn the room number because we couldn't have visitors. Regardless, I feel that a tragic event such as that should have been preconceived as trauma and shouldn't have happened.
Trauma comes in so many different forms for everyone. It is unmeasurable. No matter the cause, it suffocates and leaves lasting scars. I pray for everyone to live through the trauma; I know a handful of individuals cannot bear it for long. Trauma reminds me of fireworks. The blast starts at a center, just like trauma, then once ignited explodes in every direction possible. There is no destination for the explosion. The only meaning behind the explosion is igniting. It doesn't necessarily last long but you can see the hazy remains far after the explosion. My trauma response starts with an ignitor, a memory, smell, song, or any small reminders of Archer. It currently always centers around him and the journey has no destination.
We still don't have any concrete diagnosis for Avery. A positive note is she is back on 2L and tolerating that at rest. Amanda and I create the perfect balance to prevent caregiver burnout. We make an undeniable support system for Avery. I am so thankful that I've been entrusted to bring Avery and her mom here to Rochester, and I'm so fortunate for the support they provide me while I conquer the fear.
When I returned to the hospital tonight, I saw a crash cart in the hallway outside another child's room. I know what this means. That child is unstable and has either needed the crash cart or is at high risk of needing it. I told our nurse to please extend my support in any way to these parents during their scary time. I know the crash cart. I know the fear. I've slept next to it. I have dreaded seeing it, and I have prayed over it. My prayers tonight will include that family.
Purposeful prayers are what I've been gifted with as I've reached out to loved ones. I seek answers and justification in my conversations with them. Lord, as I ask you for guidance tonight, hear my cries of need, absorb my uncertainties, gather my mistrust, create words of wisdom, continue to form the lasting bonds between us parents, shelter Avery in your protective embrace, and lead the family down the hall into contentment and peace. As I pray these words, I'll be holding a cross another angel of a friend gifted me to use during difficult times. Amen.
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