Today I feel the underlying need to rock the boat. The surrounding edges are the comfort and the internal dwelling wrapping me in safety. I want to sway from side to side and skip the fear of what will happen if I fall into the waves of insecurity. What will the overwhelming feeling be like? What will the sudden rush of vulnerability entail? What happens when I step out of that comfort zone to elicit unknown reactions? The sky is my guide, the true north, the reliable sunrise, and the moon. I will look up and be comforted, knowing whatever is in front of me has certainty in whatever is above me. Your name Lord I will look up to and be comforted with a sense of serenity, not the shadow of safety.
I still do not know all the four Ws that brought my son to heaven at the young age of 5. I know where he died and when he died in my arms in the afternoon on January 13th. One hundred and fifty-three days ago, my son left this earth. Within those 153 days, I have been left in darkness as to what happened. Besides his heavenly Father calling him home, what went wrong to make him suffer his last six days on this earth in a vegetative state without the ability to look into my eyes, speak to me, or reach out for my hand.
I don't know what happened. I have a good idea of what happened, but I cannot get concrete answers. I have an urge to rock the boat and get my answers. As we all know, rocking any boat, or raising some hell, must be done strategically. I am leaving all feelings of aggression and impatience at the helm as I attempt to jump overboard into the unknown sea. The unfamiliar area where I could get disregarded, slandered, and even ridiculed. This would be a vulnerable state that could affect my family. I cannot help but think it is worth the risk. This one hundred and fifty-three-day wait is too long to wait. I need to know what happened to my son. Our son, really, we all loved Archer. Everyone reading this and following along with me has loved my son. That widespread love keeps me whole. It keeps me waking up every morning to care for myself and my family. It helps me seek love and happiness even though those feelings have hurt me unimaginably.
I don't know the why of what happened to my son. I don't understand why it was his time to be called home. I constantly contemplate what I should do now. What did his death mean for the rest of the world? What can I do to keep his name alive and spread the word of Jesus to everyone to help fulfill their lives? Brandt and I have done some searching into the why and I have a feeling we are getting close, but in the meantime, let me tell you what I think his Why means to us left here on earth.
My son's death exposed potential faults in the healthcare world. Many people so underestimate his and Avery's diagnosis. That's why they call them zebra's in the medical world. From the beginning, we were all aware that anesthesia was risky for these unstable kids, but that didn't mean we ever expected them to die from it. There are multiple practices and policies put into place to prevent the death of a child, especially when you are in a world-renowned facility with every possible intervention at your fingertips; when I say every, I mean EVERY intervention. We had it there. Yet it wasn't enough. That tells me that Archer will be changing the world, and I am the faithful servant dedicated to making it happen. My life got so much more complex than I had ever anticipated.
I wrote a health initiative paper for grad school and received a 97 out of 100 on it. My professor approved my topic, and I researched many different anesthetic policies to develop a health initiative that could change anesthesia forever. I hope to take it to the state capital or medical board eventually. That will require bodies. I will need the support of all of you to move forward with Archer's legacy to protect others from nonmaleficence practices in health care. An ethics code that all healthcare providers are held to. Nonmaleficence is described as the "Do no harm" code of ethics. Let me be clear; I am not writing this to accuse anyone. There are no accusations from this blog post. This is my internal calling from our Father in heaven to pursue a life-altering change and advocate for all the people who may be unaware. I have done my research, and I have touched every single medical record of my son's, all 5,943 pages.
My hopes to protect others feel so strong today. This morning as I had an internal struggle to "raise hell" out of pure frustration, I had a nice peaceful conversation with a patient advocate. I'm tired of turning corners to lead back in the same direction I came from. This urge to protect others and help eats at me day and night. I'm constantly spinning with the feeling of what more I can do. I am patiently waiting for my calling, for the next path, for the next steps he calls on me for. As a servant here on earth, I will follow your lead, Lord. I am giving it to you. I look up to see the sky and oftentimes forget how intricate it is. If you are struggling with the wonder of where you choose to put your faith, consider the world around you. Your scientific mind may tell you this earth was created by science, yet there are no aliens out there, and God doesn't exist. How could one earth be crafted by science and other beliefs so far-fetched? The bigger picture, the humbling and ease of loving yourself and others, is so comforting.
People ask me, how can you go on without Archer. "If that were me, I'd die in grief." I've heard it all and had to confront it all. My son was my living breath; my heart will never be the same. When I think of him, my heart literally aches as if I'm having a cardiac event. I get through the day by faith and the night by love. My narrow mind was once transformed into all the possibilities in front of me. I'm sad to say I overlooked the signs before, but now my eyes are open to all the options in life, all my callings. Whether your main goal in life is to raise thoughtful, healthy children, realize those children were never guaranteed to you. Think of the struggles you went through before those children came to you, every corner you could have turned, leading you away from your future family. Believe that his plan for you came regardless of your ability to believe or even recognize the possibility. Consider your spouse and all you've been through; your paths didn't cross by accident. You listened and gave into the feelings that you are entitled to feel. You were meant to be here; no matter what you are doing today, remember that and submerge yourself in the feelings of certainty. Believe in yourself and love yourself. Your family and friends will see the change, and confidence will soar. Rock your boat and step out into the sea of fear; conquer it. Don't let fear stop you. I'm afraid to think of everything I would have missed in life if I had stopped listening or wouldn't have ever tried to recognize the signs.
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