Archery, today is our family’s first holiday without you. It is your sister’s 10th birthday. You always loved birthdays. You would have woken up so excited this morning because the smell of fresh brownies would have you running downstairs. You loved brownies, the chewier the better! You loved everything, especially healthy food. I haven’t bought any red, orange, or green peppers since you’ve been gone. No one would enjoy them as you did. I made myself a bowl of cereal this morning. The first cereal I’ve eaten without you. I loved pouring you a bowl of cereal, you always had to have the milk covering the cereal. You never finished the milk, but if I skimped on the milk, you’d let me know right away. I can hear you say “Ah mom!” Frosted mini-wheats were the cereal of choice this morning, your favorite. I miss you so much buddy.
This morning I watched your tribute video that we played at your celebration of life. I cried through the entire thing. Each time I watch it I am reminded of how much fun we had together. We traveled a ton and I’m so thankful for that! You shared my love for traveling. In your young five years you have been to Florida, Washington D.C, South Dakota, Iowa (when you were growing in me), Duluth, Fargo, Rochester, and on so many camping trips. We always traveled with family, which was special for all of us. That extra time with one another is obviously irreplaceable. We all know this now. I was really looking forward to seeing your reaction to the geysers in Yellowstone. I know you would have loved the huge mountains and all the glorious colors. You could find beauty in anything, but you would have missed your animals at home. We canceled this trip shortly after you passed away. Dad and I knew we weren’t ready for that without you. There is so much we aren’t ready for without you. I miss you so much buddy.
We must celebrate Raelynn’s birthday at the bowling alley today. You loved bowling. We haven’t been bowling since you’ve left us. I remember how disappointed you were when we couldn’t go bowling the last time we visited Grandpas and Grandmas, or as you always called it Mikah’s. I’m sorry we didn’t get to go bowling again. I hope you’re getting plenty of bowling time in heaven. We had just started talking about a monthly family bowling night. You had so much fun that evening we spent together at the bowling alley. I’m not ready to celebrate a birthday without you. I’m not ready to eat brownies or go bowling without you. I’m not ready for anything without you baby. I miss you so much, buddy.
There are so many more firsts that will come in the next year. Why does it have to be that way? I shouldn’t dread your sibling’s birthdays, that’s not fair to them, but I can’t help it. We always celebrated together as a family and now our family is broken without your smile. Your smile lit up every room you were in, and your laugh, oh your laugh was precious. You didn’t even need to be smiling because you’ve always had the most beautiful blue smiling eyes. Whether you didn’t get your way or your cereal didn’t have enough milk, your blue eyes were always smiling at me. I long to see your blue eyes smile at me again. I miss you so much, buddy.
Today is going to be hard, or at least that’s how it feels. I feel guilty if I smile or laugh. I did both a little bit last night. I hope that makes you happy, even if it doesn’t, I know your eyes will be smiling. Yesterday Otto and I visited your best friend. Lucas cherishes the picture he has framed next to his bed. He told me, “Archer is in this frame, and in my heart.” To see the pain and suffering miraculously turned into beloved memories in a child’s eyes is truly a magical experience. It was hard watching your brother play with all the toys you enjoyed playing with. Dressing up in the Optimus Prime costume really tugged at my heart. I wish it was you I was helping into the Optimus Prime costume. I miss you so much, buddy.
Until we meet again my beautiful blue-eyed smiling son. Every day I think of you. Every night I fall asleep with your quilt that you used in the hospital. Last night I tried to leave it at the foot of the bed, but I tossed and turned, then I held it close to my heart, buried my face in it and was able to sleep knowing I had a piece of you next to me. I miss you so much buddy, so much that the tears in my eyes have an endless supply, even if they should be depleted.
Love Mom
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