Sometimes I forget you're gone, or that you were even here. Sometimes I forget how bad it hurts to miss you. Sometimes I lose my composure when I encounter a trigger. Today, Raelynn realized she has a gymnastics meet on the second anniversary of Archer's death. I immediately felt guilty for forgetting. Perhaps that is my mind's way of blocking out the pain.
Life has become much quieter for us. I am currently on a break from NP school and we don't have any foster kids with us this month. We have decided to keep December to ourselves and cherish each other. We are on our way to Duluth for a family trip, which is something we haven't done since Archer passed away. The year after Archer's passing, we had a Montana trip planned, but we were all understanding when we had to cancel it. We knew we weren’t ready for a family trip.
Today is also Riley’s 15th birthday! Unbelievable. I’m so excited to spend this time together as a family without added stress and electronics. We needed this.
We already have some complaints. Otto, in particular, wasn't happy about finding Avery's pills in his toy bag. However, instead of calling them pills, he referred to them as "pillows." It made me smile, as Archer used to call his pills "pillows" too. It's amazing how many little reminders of him there are, and I'm incredibly grateful for Otto and the mannerisms he has picked up from his bond with his brother during the few years they spent together.
We did add a kitten to our family. I have always wanted a Persian cat since I met one during my early home care days. His name is Sonny. He has been an incredible support animal for us. Everyone loves him, and he loves everyone! Megan and I went to pick up Sonny. On the way back, she briefly mentioned that someone had asked about Archer and our family. That triggered me, and all I could think to say was, "Sometimes I forget."
I never said it out loud, but in my head, I kept repeating it. I don't know if I was crying because of my aching heart or because of the guilt of realizing that time heals because time makes you forget. Sometimes I forget, damn time.
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