I wish there was a pattern to grieving. The burden of it is incredibly unpredictable. The smallest things can set me back, and when that setback comes, it takes every ounce of air out of me. Every day there are new challenges. Lately, I experienced the first challenge of waiting for a loved one to return from a routine surgery. Standing in the open empty hallways of a hospital was dreadful. I hadn’t prepared for this. I thought I was in a good place with established coping mechanisms but looking up and down the hallways of Lake Region set me back. I had to excuse myself to cry in private. Once out of the hospital, I went for a drive with my radio on my favorite station. Life 97.9. This song was already playing and it aligned me, Jonny Diaz “Breathe.” I didn’t recognize the song right away, I thought about turning it off because it is an up beat song, thankfully I kept listening. The lyrics, come and rest at my feet, and be just be, chaos calls, but all you really need, is to just breathe. I surely needed to hear those words at that very moment. After the song was done, the radio person asked everyone to take a moment and just breathe. I sent a silent thank you up, thank you for the reminder, the strength to carry on, and the security of knowing you are there. Thank you, Lord.
Lately, the book of Psalms has been all around me. We started studying this at church and a dear friend messaged me about comparing my blog to the book of Psalms. My first encounter with Psalms was from the book I read to Archer that I’ve mentioned many times, Praying Woman. It stated, “If you are going to read anything from the bible, read Psalms.” I am going to challenge myself to study it, interpret it, and write about the message I take from it. No promises on this, I’ve never felt strong reading the bible. I struggle with interpreting and understanding the verbiage. I don’t think I have entirely grasped the reason why the book of Psalms is calling my name, but I sure am eager to find out.
I had another dream of Archer a few days ago. He was playing in his room, and I heard his voice. I jumped out of bed, picked him up, and brought him to Brandt saying “look who came to visit us.” That was a true visit. Throughout this entire experience, I have opened my mind to the afterlife. Not heaven, but the actual afterlife of a loved one and how they communicate with you. I am about to tell you something that will take your breath away…. Not only have my beliefs opened but they have completely shifted.
A few weekends ago, my mom calls me to tell me how she slept terribly the night prior because of her dog. At 11 pm, her dog became inconsolable, panting, shaking, and completely terrified. Nothing she did could help him. That was a Friday night. The following night, Saturday, my dog Charlie, woke me up at 11 pm, inconsolable, panting, and shaking. She shifted all our blankets in our bed to curl up between my head and Brandt’s. Frustrated with her, I turned my body, so I wasn’t facing her. She laid her head down on my neck and wouldn’t take her eyes off the hallway. Neither Brandt nor I have ever seen her doing this. We both tried to console her like you would a crying baby. Nothing worked. Finally, I got up at 11:11 pm to get her to drink some water. I let her outside, filled her water, she came back in, sat down, and stared at me. It was as if she was frozen in time. We went back to bed, and she wouldn’t let herself get any farther than 2 feet ahead of me. I know this because our toy room/office is lined with books. Every step I took was equal to her two steps before she would stop and look back to make sure I was right behind her. Glancing at our bookshelf it was clear she was only going two feet without me. The following morning, I called the vet, thinking she could be in pain. Today she visited the vet and received a clean bill of health. This tells me that Archer, was again, visiting us. Charlie, our dog, was the only animal that cried for days after realizing he wasn’t coming home. She has always been a very intuitive animal. Bless her heart, she can sense her friend. They grew up together.
I had no idea that a dog’s sixth sense was real, but I am so humbled and excited to tell you it is. We are incredibly fortunate to have these visits from Archer. It solidifies our comfort knowing he comes to us and others. This also matches his personality incredibly well. Archer was always a bit of a night owl. To the point where one parent would have to sleep in the living room and one in our room because you just never knew when Archer would sneak out of bed. His favorite nights were spent on the couch, watching car shows with Brandt, and sharing spicy sandwiches from Holiday gas station.
As I continue to open my mind up to what life truly has to offer, I feel the need to try new things. Why not teach myself new things that make me feel vulnerable when I’m already expected to be vulnerable? That is my current thought process. I was gifted with the opportunity to go horseback riding the other day. I cannot even describe the happiness that brought my soul!
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